


get in loser, we're going to costco

by zeromiles



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, jihan is gay to the extreme, jihoon doesnt know what fashion is, mingyu is himself thats all he needs, my biggest shitfic ever, only rated teen bc seventeen will not stop swearing, seungcheol is done, seungkwan is being seungkwan, seventeen goes to costco bc thats a brilliant idea, the jihan is sort of slight but its there its just not super relevant to the plot, this is it, this is really dumb but its funny so you should read it, vernon really likes hot dogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 16:32:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7691689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeromiles/pseuds/zeromiles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>seventeen decides to all go to costco bc thats just a great idea</p><p>"Look," Wonwoo groans. "There are Elsa and Anna Halloween costumes. Halloween costumes. Why do we need Halloween costumes? It's fucking August, for fuck's sake."</p><p>Soonyoung grins wide, and at that moment in time everyone knows Wonwoo has made a mistake. "Spooky scary skeletons, send shivers down my spine-"</p><p>Wonwoo bangs his head on the cart handles. "God, make it stop."</p>
            </blockquote>





	get in loser, we're going to costco

**Author's Note:**

> YALL THIS IS MY DUMB SHITTY CRACKFIC but its funny so read it ;))) also check out my other fic a gyuhao coffeeshop au

"Get in loser, we're going to Costco." Words can't explain how Chan feels when a huge, unfortunately familiar black van rolls up in front of him (and all of his other staring classmates).

Chan fights off his blush and ignores Seungcheol, instead rolling open the back door and climbing in to his usual seat, tripping over Minghao's long spider legs in the process. "Why must you?"

Seungkwan hollers from the back. "We take joy in the suffering of our resident baby."

"They're gonna think I'm weirder than they already think I am," Chan complains to no one in particular. "You guys know I have like two friends right?"

Jun patted his arm sympathetically. "It's okay, if anyone bullies you I can beat them up."

"No beating anybody up unless it's ourselves," Jihoon says from shotgun. "And you better not let Jisoo hear you say that. He'll invoke the voice of God or something and lead you in a 20 hour prayer session to cleanse your sins."

"Oh no, not the prayer sessions," Mingyu groans while chugging down one of those canned Starbucks mocha frappes that he likes. "I fell asleep like two times in a single bible verse."

"No but," Soonyoung says (very loudly, Chan might add, seeing as to he's right next to him). "How did Jisoo memorize all of Corinthians in a day?"

Minghao scrunches up his nose, clearly not following the conversation at all. "What's a Cornpuff-whatever?"

"Shut it guys, I'm trying to drive us safely to the dorm."

"I thought we were going to Costco," Wonwoo says dryly.

"We can't leave Vernon alone with Mom and The Way, The Truth, and The Life," Seungkwan protests indignantly. "They'll corrupt him."

***

Fortunately for Seungkwan, Vernon was not in fact corrupted by Jeonghan and the Third Reincarnation of Jesus Christ, but enjoying a parfait with Seokmin. "You guys took forever. We downed like three ice cream sandwiches waiting."

"Well, we're here now," Seungcheol said, surveying the room. "Where are the only two other people I can stand besides Jihoon and Minghao dear?"

"Oh, they said they were making a sandwich earlier, but like, we've bet on it and now we're both pretty sure they're fucking," Seokmin says airily while petting (grooming?) Soonyoung's newly dyed blue hair. "This color is nice," He said.

"Thanks man," Soonyoung said happily. "I wasn't too sure about it at first, but now-"

"Oh yes," Seokmin interrupted. "It reminds me of cotton candy. Also, I'm hungry."

Mingyu leaned forward excitedly. "Oh my god, it does. Minghao, remember your pink and blue hair? You should get it again! You guys can match!"

"Right, so," Jihoon interrupted while Jun looked on in fascination at how Seokmin and Mingyu could be so idiotic and yet endearing at the same time. "Let's choose someone to go to Jeonghan and Jisoo's room to check if they're fucking and call them down. I volunteer Wonwoo."

"Fuck no," Wonwoo says immediately, looking slightly alarmed. "I volunteer our dear and loveable team dad who is willing to do anything for his dear and loveable juniors."

Junhui doesn't even try to cover his snickers at the look on Seungcheol's face. "Oh my god, he looks about ready to murder."

"You guys suck," declared Seungcheol, but he was already climbing the stair toward the dorms anyways. "You're all adopted andI'm disowning you."

"You've already seen them fucking like three times, what's the problem with seeing again?"

"Ah, the joys of not being the eldest." Jihoon somehow went to lie down on the couch in between all the chaos, and now had his head in Minghao's lap.

"Don't be so relieved, you were gonna be next, you asshole."

***

"I can't believe you thought we were fucking," Jeonghan says for about the millionth time, still cackling with laughter. "Oh my god Jisoo, imagine Seungcheol being all apprehensive opening our door, thinking we're doing bdsm or something and then seeing me wrecking you at Mario Kart."

"You were only wrecking me because you got a green shell," Jisoo protests.

"Good lord," Junhui says. "And he used it on you? What kind of self proclaimed couple are you?"

"A couple that has no mercy when it comes to beating each other in Mario Kart, clearly."

"Stop!" Mingyu practically screeches, and Vernon, poor soul sitting next to him, jumps so hard he hits the car roof with his head.

"Jesus fucking christ, Mingyu, what the everloving fuck?" Seungcheol, who had to pullover because he was so shocked, swirled around and glared at the tall head poking out from the back.

"There's a Pinkberry," Mingyu says, as if that explains everything. "We gotta go."

"There's a Pinkberry literally seven steps away from our house," Minghao says, not looking up from his dumb cat phone game. "Why don't you just go there?"

"You don't understand me, little HaoHao," Mingyu uses the nickname Minghao hates so Minghao looks up and glares at him, at least for a second, and leans forward in a show of pain. "The one near our house doesn't have the new milk ice cream flavor! I've never tried it before yet, and it's been out for like, a month!"

"Isn't Pinkberry a froyo shop, not ice cream?" Soonyoung frowns. "Ice cream is at, like, Yogurtland or something. Why are you all staring at me like that?"

***

After Mingyu gets his fucking ice cream, and the rest of them go out for Jamba Juice because why the fuck not, they're finally on their way to Costco again. "Okay, move over Seungcheol, I wanna drive now." Jeonghan commands. "And Jisoo's shotgun."

"Aw man," Mingyu says sadly. "I wanted to drive."

"Maybe Jeonghan would let you if you hadn't lost your drivers license three days ago," Seungkwan suggests.

"Maybe," Mingyu says skeptically, and Wonwoo snorts.

"Can we get Costco hot dogs when we get there?" Vernon asks. "I love Costco hot dogs. And Target hot dogs. I just really like hot dogs."

"How cute is he," Junhui says, ruffling his already messy head. "Let's get the baby some hot dogs."

"I thought I was the baby," Chan comments.

"We'll get you some hot dogs too."

"Why are we even going to Costco again?" Minghao asks. "We just went shopping, like a week ago."

"Costco is a necessity in life," Soonyoung yells once again in Chan's ear. "It's a ritual that we must go to Costco once a week as a huge group to annoy the shit out of the workers."

"As a former Costco worker," Jisoo says, "I take offense."

"Let's not talk about Costco on the way to Costco," Seungcheol says. "Jisoo, turn the radio on. And don't turn it onto one of your Christian song channels."

"Christian Channel Host Garrison Abbott takes offense to that too," Jisoo retorts, but does what he's asked, and turns on 102.7 KIIS F.M.

"Oh this is my jam," Wonwoo says, and recites the Phrase That Pays the same time as Jojo on the Radio says it: "102. KIIS F.M. is LA's #1 Hit Music Station!"

Unfortunately, today is clearly not Wonwoo's (or anyone else's except Seungkwan's) day, because instead of repeats of Drake's One Dance and the Rihanna song Taylor Swift's ex boyfriend created, and plays out a timeless classic: Alicia Key's Girl on Fire.

"Oh, this is my jam," Seungkwan says, and in his highest tone possible belts out, " _SHE'S JUST A GIRL AND SHE'S ON FIIIIIIIIIIREEEEE_ ", dragging out the "I" and "E" sound as everyone except Vernon (the sweet, supportive best friend) collectively groans. " _HOTTER THAN A FANTASY, LONGER LIKE A HIGHWAAAAAAYYYYYY_ ,"

"Why didn't we just listen to Jisoo's Church music?" Jihoon wonders aloud, and nobody says anything but they all knew what they were thinking.

***

"Why did it take us thirteen years to get to Costco?" Minghao asks. "Or did it just feel like thirteen years because we kept listening to Seungkwan singing 'this girl is on fire' even after the song ended?"

"My head hurts," Jeonghan complains. "Also my Jamba Juice disappeared at a red stop and never came back. I'm pretty sure it was Junhui."

"It wasn't," Junhui defends himself. "I hate the strawberry one, you can feel all the seeds in your mouth."

"Okay, then who was it?" Jisoo strokes Jeonghans arm lightly. "You can have my mango drink, babe."

"Be gross somewhere else please," Seungkwan butts in, covering Vernon's eyes. "Think of the children!"

"Last time I checked I was still younger than Vernon by a year," Chan says, "But okay."

"Shush," Wonwoo scolds. "That sass is the exact reason we don't treat you like the baby anymore. At this rate you're gonna turn into a Jihoon." Jihoon just calmly flips him off and receives an angry look at by a white soccer mom, but Chan thinks he totally deserved it.

Soonyoung and Seungcheol come back with two carts, one of which carries a smiling Seokmin inside. "Let's get our hot dogs and go in fast! Costco is so fun!"

"Dude yes," Vernon yells. "I've been waiting for my hotdogs."

"How much do you think you can fit in your mouth at once?" Mingyu asks, and Junhui and Seungkwan starts placing bets immediately.

"Oh gosh," Seungcheol said. "I'm so fucking tired of chaperoning already."

***

As soon as they walk in with two carts, Jihoon, Seokmin, and Junhui stuffed inside of them, and Seungcheol and Minghao pushing them around, the check lady thing person at the front gives them a dirty look which clearly says "Who let these menaces to society/teenagers out of their cages?", to which Jisoo flashes an apologetic smile. But she lets them in, because she doesn't have an actual reason to stop them (even though she damn wishes she does), and finally (finally) they're in Costco.

"You know what I was thinking about?" Seokmin asks.

"How many otherworldly colors you see when you get high?" Wonwoo asks.

"Well, yes, that too," Seokmin admits. "But how Costco is like, the grocery-department store baby of Ikea. Expect you won't get lost in here. Probably."

Immediately Jihoon opens his mouth to say, "That's stupid" but then closes it again as it's actually not all that stupid. _A lot of things that come out of Seokmin's mouth is like that_ , he deduces.

"If only Costco had the meatballs," Soonyoung says mournfully. "I love their meatballs. And shitty Swedish Fish."

"Dude," Vernon looks so offended Minghao doesn't know whether to laugh at him or be concerned about his well-being. "The hot dogs."

"Who wants to go to Skyzone," Mingyu asks, staring at the trampolines on sale for $99.99, and when no one answers immediately he looks around. "What?"

"Look buddy, hate to break it to you but since you're a freak of nature and like 7'7 or some bs, you'd probably break your neck jumping and hitting the fucking ceiling." Junhui says.

Mingyu shrugs. "Is that a yes or a no?"

Junhui considers it, and decides that a ER Instagram pic with a giraffe humanoid with a broken neck would be pretty cool. "Why the fuck not," he says.

"Fuck not," Jeonghan replies. "No breaking necks allowed until we can fucking afford medical insurance. We can barely even afford toothpaste right now."

"Also, you guys scare kids."

Junhui sticks his tongue out at Minghao. "Never mind, you don't scare kids, you are a kid."

"What did we come here for anyways?" Chan asks. "All we've done is drive around and shove in our carts- uh, three pillows, chocolate covered blueberries, sample wrappers, and the giant stuffed bear choking Seokmin."

"It's not choking me," Seokmin protested. "We're cuddling."

"Okay," Chan said. "The giant stuffed bear cuddling Seokmin."

"Look," Wonwoo groans, pointing at a huge display. "There are Elsa and Anna Halloween costumes. _Halloween_ costumes. Why do we need Halloween costumes? It's fucking _August_ , for fuck's sake."

Soonyoung grins wide, and at that moment in time everyone knows Wonwoo has made a mistake. " _Spooky scary skeletons, send shivers down my spine_ -"

Wonwoo bangs his head on the cart handles. "God, make it stop."

"We should get those," Vernon says. "Sofia would love them."

"We're not buying anything we don't need!" Seungcheol says, slapping Vernon's arm lightly. "We're on a budget."

"Didn't know we needed a giant stuffed bear thats what- $290?" Jeonghan says. "I'm pretty sure that costs more than all of Jihoon's shitty wardrobe."

"Leave me and my sale clothes alone," Jihoon says, ripping open the chocolate covered blueberries ("But we haven't paid for it yet," Jisoo says weakly.).

"Listen Jihoon, nobody- and I mean nobody wears tropical printed collar shirts except for white grandpas and tourists in Hawaii."

"Speaking of shitty wardrobes," Seungkwan begins, but Minghao shushes him. "We're not gonna call out Mingyu again, it's the third time this week. Let's not be mean."

"What's wrong with my wardrobe?"

"I know we decided not to be mean," Seungkwan begins again, "But Mingyu, you dress like your grandma did in the 80s hippie boom."

"Yeah, never wear bedazzled bellbottoms again please," Junhui says.

Mingyu looked insulted. "You said I looked good," he pouted at Wonwoo.

"I mean, I did, but I thought we were both joking." Jihoon cackles.

"Guys, can we get this?" Everyone turns to Seokmin who climbed out of his cart and brought back three family size packs of Salt and Vinegar Lays, plus a can of Vienna Sausages and Tide dryer sheets.

"Nobody likes Salt and Vinegar," Jisoo almost yells. "Nobody."

Now Seungcheol looked offended. "I like Salt and Vinegar. We're buying them."

Chan counts all of their items. "Guys, we need to dump the bear. We're gonna go broke faster than Kanye when he found out about his $53 million debt."

"We can't dump the bear!" Seokmin, Vernon, and surprisingly Minghao all yell.

"Yeah, we already decided on his name," Junhui pouts. "We can't leave Ronnie alone."

"You named a giant stuffed bear Ronnie."

"Ronald's his real name," Seokmin climbed back into his cart and was now stroking Ronnie's head gently. "But he likes being called Ronnie better."

"Yeah, well Ronnie's gonna have to get used to being called Normal Costco Bear again." Jeonghan and Jisoo tear the bear away from Seokmin's arms and returned it to the box full of other bears.

"Nooooo," Minghao moans. "Not Ronnie."

"Can we go get another hot dog? I got hungry again."

"Vernon, if you eat another hot dog I think you'll die of the grease."

"What a way to go, eating my favorite food in the world ever."

"Let's get out of here before we get kicked out," Wonwoo says. "I think that sample lady is ready to kill."

***

"Can you believe they kicked us out of Costco," Wonwoo complained. "And on top of that, we're banned if we ever come back as 13 again."

"At least they let us pay for our stuff," Jisoo said. "Better than that one Vons."

"Not to bring the mood down, but I'm pretty sure they only let us pay because Jihoon ate half of the chocolate covered blueberries and some of them melted on the pillows." Minghao pointed out.

"You party pooper," Vernon yells out, pausing from stuffing his face with hot dogs.

Jeonghan watches him in fascinated disgust. "You're gonna die young."

"Young but fulfilled."

"I miss Ronnie," Seokmin whines from the backseat where he's leaned against Jihoon (who surprisingly doesn't seem to mind all that much).

"Me too," Junhui says from the front seat. "Whoa there buddy, eyes on the road." Seungcheol inwardly groans. _Who thought it was a good idea to let Junhui drive?_

"STOP," Mingyu yells all of a sudden, and Vernon drops his hot dogs as Junhui curves into a parking spot in a way that most definitely broke at least four safety rules. "What the motherfuck?"

"There's a Pinkberry."

**Author's Note:**

> oh wow who decided to read that all. ANYWAYS thanks for reading and please!!!! comment!!!!!!! i live and breathe ur guys' comments and critiques if you have any!!! if there are any grammar/punc. mistakes please tell me!!! also i change tense a lot which im trying to work on but this was long and its like three am rn.  
> also shameless self promo bc my mom owns a pinkberry store. go to ur nearest pinkberry n try urself some milk ice cream yall. do it for mingyu. and check out my gyuhao coffeeshop au (which has 92 kudos??? oh my god??? thank u so much)  
> btw this came out as 2630 words. jesus christ. this was supposed to be rather short and dumb y i k e s


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